Monday, April 9, 2012

Scrambled Thoughts..

Monday, April 9, 2012
I’ve been feeling the highs and lows of emotions in the past months.. I can’t reside on a balanced emotion and I feel that I am all over the place. Negative energy and dark thoughts seems to take over and win more often than I anticipate. I am losing my people’s skill. One thing I find interesting, is my ability to stop myself before it’s too late.. I always manage to take a step back, shake my thoughts and try to turn around to the brighter road. I seem fine for short period of time, but then something always comes and crashes me down. It doesn’t matter what it is. A word, a feeling, a sentence, a sight of something, a name, anything of these sort at any time can trigger pain, sadness, darkness and evilness in me.. Mostly its pain and sadness that washes over me.. And I seem to be stuck in them for awhile and dwell for days and days and days with me struggling to stand up and go back to my bright road.

Inner struggle is hard.. Sometimes I just get a blank feeling of WTF am I doing in this life? Usually it doesn’t last long, I laugh it away and try not to think much of it.. Work, Life, and People.. I lost my balance in that, and now I seem disconnected with people and life.. work is somehow the one that is treating me good.. I like my work now.. Its more relaxing.. No tension.. Life, I am still lost on what life is about and what life wants.. People.. I can’t connect to them as much as I would want to.. Certain ones are in my speed dial, the ones that give me peace and shelter and who are always there for me when I need them. The rest, I would connect but I would fail gracefully to sustain that.. I donno why I disconnect.. When I look back, I had no reason.. I wasn’t busy and I wasn’t in a bad mood..

I feel stressed inside, it’s not that I am pretending to be happy, I am happy and I know I am happy.. but I have this feeling that doesn’t seem to be able to go away.. How broken can you get and how do you pick up your pieces? I have my walls up high and its weird.. I was never like that.. Hey life did teach me something.. But I still miss my old self.. Not sure how to get rid of this feeling.. It would just come suddenly and i would freeze.. Like literarly freeze.. Doesnt matter what i am doing, and all i would want to do at that moment is escape or cry.. Not that i am an emotional person, but senestivity its getting the best of me. I explain things the way i want and make up stories lool.. Then i realize that i am over reacting over nothing and i am just being absurd!! Standing up after a hard fall is tough, but when you have poeple helping, how tough can it be?? What makes me go this way? what triggers? what defection does my mind have? I seem to have things twisted and sometimes i dont even see what is infront of me.. I stand and i dont not stand alone.. i am blessed with people around me.. So quiet yet so crowded.. I lack the 3 Cs.. Commitment, Concenration and Connection.. I need focus.. I dont seem to have that.. I now have a memory of a golden fish.. 3 seconds!! lool.. But you know what, life is still good..

These days, there is only one place when I lay in it, I feel so safe and nothing else matters.. Unfortunately it is not always within my reach.. But it sure does feel good to know that its there for me lool..

It’s a working day and I can’t believe it’s not even 10am!!! How sad is that.. I need to do my work but I don’t feel like it…hmm I should go drink some tea.. Yes, tea with milk should do.. read blogs for another hour.. chit chat here and there.. I think I will do that..

Anyone for tea?

10 Voices:


aaawww sweetie take it easy my dear :*** everyone must go through this phase in life even if u hv everything around u! u just feel there's smth missing in ur life & nshallah it will be complete in no time!

u know i love u :*


i know how you feel. Shattered from the inside but you look all fine from the outside.
You don't know what makes you sad that fact that you are happy or the fact that u have mixed feeling about everything.

i don't know it is just how my life revolves these days.

yallah, come to abu dhabi, i will take leave from work and hang out with you.


swera: aww *hugs* you are my best fake friend in the whole wide world and i love you dearly!!

Ameen ya rab.. Allah yesma3 Minik :****

Karamilah: i couldnt have saidn it any better.. ithink me and you are in the same boat!

hehe inshallah soooon.. i will take your offer :D i bet its the break that i need,,..

Butterfly Chick

I guess we all go through these ups and downs emotions! Perhaps you need a break of all this.. A break not to think.. A break to take you away from where you are.. A break to wash all those feelings away.. Don't think much about things that might annoy you.. :** .. Cheer up!


I would love to give you a magical solution but I really have nothing useful or inspiring to say.. My thoughts are all over the place so I'm afraid whatever advice I give you might lead to suicide and therefore I rather remain silent.. But I will say this: my dear not virtual friend any longer, you are not alone.. I got your back you little cucu head ;**


You, my dear, need a nice relaxing vacation.


Time to meet! :D I hope you feel better :)Keep in touch!


Butterfly Chick: *hugs back*
yeah i guess,, i do need a break..
:D planning for a vication ;)

Vainglorious: LOOOOOL.. aham shay the power you think you have that will lead me to sucide :p

Thankx for being there for me *hugs*

Leilana: that i agree with you!!

Ildi: haha, YES I AGREE!! inshallah will do :)
thank you honey,,

Mean B

Yo standy WTH with the blue mood meen al sabaa7. so when do you want the two of us go and have some icecream and poor out all what is heden inside us from post partom delivery and all.

No identity..

Heeey... i think its there in the air... i somehoe feel the same ... the only thing i do (and might helo) sround yourself with ppl all the time... it will help stop talking to yourself.... concider ravilling with girls only even for a short in oman region trip... take care and we are around whenever you need anything... loooooooove you... ammmoua

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