I’ve been feeling the highs and lows of emotions in the past months.. I can’t reside on a balanced emotion and I feel that I am all over the place. Negative energy and dark thoughts seems to take over and win more often than I anticipate. I am losing my people’s skill. One thing I find interesting, is my ability to stop myself before it’s too late.. I always manage to take a step back, shake my thoughts and try to turn around to the brighter road. I seem fine for short period of time, but then something always comes and crashes me down. It doesn’t matter what it is. A word, a feeling, a sentence, a sight of something, a name, anything of these sort at any time can trigger pain, sadness, darkness and evilness in me.. Mostly its pain and sadness that washes over me.. And I seem to be stuck in them for awhile and dwell for days and days and days with me struggling to stand up and go back to my bright road.
Inner struggle is hard.. Sometimes I just get a blank feeling of WTF am I doing in this life? Usually it doesn’t last long, I laugh it away and try not to think much of it.. Work, Life, and People.. I lost my balance in that, and now I seem disconnected with people and life.. work is somehow the one that is treating me good.. I like my work now.. Its more relaxing.. No tension.. Life, I am still lost on what life is about and what life wants.. People.. I can’t connect to them as much as I would want to.. Certain ones are in my speed dial, the ones that give me peace and shelter and who are always there for me when I need them. The rest, I would connect but I would fail gracefully to sustain that.. I donno why I disconnect.. When I look back, I had no reason.. I wasn’t busy and I wasn’t in a bad mood..
I feel stressed inside, it’s not that I am pretending to be happy, I am happy and I know I am happy.. but I have this feeling that doesn’t seem to be able to go away.. How broken can you get and how do you pick up your pieces? I have my walls up high and its weird.. I was never like that.. Hey life did teach me something.. But I still miss my old self.. Not sure how to get rid of this feeling.. It would just come suddenly and i would freeze.. Like literarly freeze.. Doesnt matter what i am doing, and all i would want to do at that moment is escape or cry.. Not that i am an emotional person, but senestivity its getting the best of me. I explain things the way i want and make up stories lool.. Then i realize that i am over reacting over nothing and i am just being absurd!! Standing up after a hard fall is tough, but when you have poeple helping, how tough can it be?? What makes me go this way? what triggers? what defection does my mind have? I seem to have things twisted and sometimes i dont even see what is infront of me.. I stand and i dont not stand alone.. i am blessed with people around me.. So quiet yet so crowded.. I lack the 3 Cs.. Commitment, Concenration and Connection.. I need focus.. I dont seem to have that.. I now have a memory of a golden fish.. 3 seconds!! lool.. But you know what, life is still good..
These days, there is only one place when I lay in it, I feel so safe and nothing else matters.. Unfortunately it is not always within my reach.. But it sure does feel good to know that its there for me lool..
It’s a working day and I can’t believe it’s not even 10am!!! How sad is that.. I need to do my work but I don’t feel like it…hmm I should go drink some tea.. Yes, tea with milk should do.. read blogs for another hour.. chit chat here and there.. I think I will do that..
Anyone for tea?
